VOLUME MAY 2001
May 9, 2001
PAIN!
…”the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
Job 1:21b
Since my last journal entry of April 30th more heavy trials have come.
This has been a painful adventure!
One morning last week I awoke from sleep and found my feet horribly swollen.
I couldn’t walk. I had to crawl to the toilet a few feet away just
to urinate. I never felt such pain, and I never felt so helpless.
When I went to bed the night before everything was fine. But when I awoke,
the feet that were on me looked nothing like the ones I went to sleep with. It
turned out to be a bad “gout” attack. I ended up being confined to
my cell with a week’s bed rest.
I stayed in agonizing, foot throbbing pain day after day, minute by minute. And
I thought that gout was for old people. I’m only forty-seven!
But still, some amazing things happened. During this time of suffering
I got closer to the Lord. Something changed inside me. Even my discomfort became a spiritual event.
In my distress I continued to cry to the Lord, not with a loud voice, but with pleading whisperings and groans. I was so physically exhausted from this attack, and I had not slept well during the
entire week. Yet when God gave me the strength, I was able to read my Bible.
Then just after this gout attack began, the Holy Spirit directed me to begin reading the book of Job. I had read about Job’s sufferings many times. But now
that I was going through my own trials of pain, the book of job became more real to me.
The Lord also gave me many new insights and much encouragement.
Now a little more than a week later I finally have enough strength to make a journal entry. I am just getting off my week’s medical restriction.
I am learning how to walk all over again, it seems. For my feet are still
swollen and there is still a fair amount of pain. In fact, on the humorous side,
some of the guys have been joking with me that I’ve begun to walk like Frankenstein.
Yet for me this has been a time of spiritual renewal. I had a chance to
slowdown and get quiet before the Lord instead of my usual pace of always being on the run and always staying busy.
Once again my loving Savior has worked out these afflictions for my betterment.
I am also thanking the Lord for my health. One oftentimes does not realize
how very precious good health is until it is gone and sickness comes in.
Now I am in the process of being renewed physically and spiritually. Looking
at this in retrospect, I truly needed to be flat on my back for a week. “Thank
you Lord Jesus!”
David Berkowitz
May 11, 2001
And the Lord said to Satan, has thou considered
my servant Job…?
Job 1:8a
My feet are continuing to heal although I still have some pain and I still feel very weak. Nevertheless I have God’s comfort and peace. This new
round of trials are all for a good purpose. No one likes pain. But as the Lord revealed to me, even this suffering is for a greater good.
Others can't take it or leave it with regard to what I am saying. For
in some circles pain, suffering and hardship are looked upon as curses from the enemy.
There are a number of Christians who think that if you believe in Jesus, no sickness, suffering or pain of any kind
are supposed to come your way.
I do not want to debate this here. However in my personal journal I am
simply sharing my own experiences, what the Lord has shown me, and how He continues to bring me through whatever circumstances
I may be facing from day to day as I serve God behind prison walls.
Presently I am continuing to explore the book of Job. The Lord practically
dared the devil to test Job’s faith. And Job’s faith did not
fail even though he went through a series of back-to-back trials that would have probably driven a greater majority of us
to total despair.
To me, Job is a perfect example that when God is on one’s side, they can make it.
Their faith can remain intact. Their relationship with the Creator can
deepen. Depending on how we as Christians handle it, pain and suffering
can either draw us closer to our heavenly Father or drive us away from Him.
I choose to allow my present trials to bring me close to Him. This was
not always the case. In the past there were trials, which came that, in retrospect,
I could have handled better and differently. But the Lord Jesus is a merciful
and faithful High Priest. He is also a good teacher. He is patient and kind. And if one simply continues to trust
in Him with childlike faith, eventually we will learn what He wants us to learn from each situation. Nothing happens to God’s
children by fate, chance or coincidence. We are always on the Potter’s
wheel, and His hands are constantly holding our lives.
Yet it takes time to understand these things. It takes time for
genuine trust to develop and for faith to mature. We all may have a “measure
of faith” (Romans 12”3). But we must grow into a mature faith. And this is a lifelong process.
So from this moment I can say with all honesty that, although I went through a period of pain, exhaustion and poor
health, I’m glad all this happened. I am closer to the Lord now. I feel more grateful for good health that ever before. I know,
too, that I am in victory through my Lord Jesus Christ.
David Berkowitz
MOTHER’S DAY
Mother’s Day is an interesting time here in prison. Almost everyone
seems to have or they had, a great mom. For many they have had one or two loving
grandmothers.
So during this morning’s worship service my chaplain gave a brief message of encouragement concerning Mother’s
Day. I think all of us felt a little guilty at being “failures” in
the eyes of our moms.
Yet there is one thing about most of our mothers, they never stopped loving us, even in spite of our rebellion and
our mistakes. For even though I lost my Mother to cancer when I was fourteen,
and this was back in 1967, when I got into trouble she was always there for me.
And after all this time I never stopped missing her. She seems to be on
my mind every moment of each day for the thirty-four years she’s been gone.
I also miss going to the cemetery, which I used to do several times per year before I got locked up. I would have gone even more if I could have managed it. Being
in prison these twenty four years has really hurt because I cannot get to her gravesite.
However, God still makes ways. Last year and the year previously, several
dear friends from New Jersey (where she is buried) had gone to the cemetery in my behalf. They visited my Mother’s grave, and each left a stone at the top of her headstone. This is a Jewish tradition. My friends would have gone again
this year but for the fact that one of them, my Christian sister Ellen, had been struggling with cancer herself. She doesn’t have the strength to drive a car or to stand up for very long.
But under the chaplain’s direction we all joined in prayer for our mothers and grandmothers who are still alive. Some of the men prayed for family members who were sick. A few of them have moms who are in the hospital. One brother
has a mother who may not live much longer.
One of the worst experiences for an inmate is to have an immediate family member die.
Over the years I’ve seen many a man go out to attend a funeral. It
is a painful and many times shameful event. For a prisoner has to go the funeral
home being escorted by two guards. The prisoner must wear his green uniform and
stay handcuffed, even when around one’s relatives. Although the guards
are wearing civilian suits, they are always at each side of the grieving man.
Being a Christian, I’ve had many opportunities to pray with men
who were scheduled to out shortly to a funeral, or who were just getting back from one.
Some cried. Some complained. Most just accepted the passing of a loved
one as part of life.
Almost all of the men I have spoken with, however, expressed guilt at not being the son, brother or father they should
have been.
Several years ago one of the men in our congregation lost his brother to gun violence in Brooklyn. He was off to the funeral a few days later.
We’ve had men lose brothers, sisters, their kids, and most
often a parent. Much of the time it is through sickness or accidents. Occasionally violence strikes a loved one. Still, to
be here and away from one’s family when they’re suffering, it is tough.
A lot of anger and grief pours out of a man. Yet I know that God’s grace is sufficient, and Jesus is always with
those who mourn.
Thinking about my own Mother on this day, as is the case everyday, I miss her tremendously.
David Berkowitz
May 15, 2001
THE PERSECUTED
Praying always with all prayer and supplication
in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.
Ephesians 6:18
The Lord has put a renewed burden upon my heart in the past several days to pray more for my many brothers and sisters
who are suffering severe persecution as they serve the Lord in other countries.
They love the Lord and have given him their very lives. Many are now in
prison. Many died there. They have
lost homes, jobs, property and even loved ones because they were now ashamed to publicly proclaim Jesus Christ as Lord. And He is Lord!
But what must it be like to be truly persecuted? I think about this sometimes. What is it like to live the Christian life in places where Jesus is hated and where
his servants face punishment and even death every moment?
I do not know the answers to my questions. Yes, I could read many accounts
in books and magazines about my persecuted brethren. But in truth these are only
words. It is one thing to read about something.
It is quite another thing to experience it first hand.
I can read about a Chinese Christian being locked in an isolation cell with rats scurrying about at his feet. I can read about Christians in Arab nations who are publicly flogged for carrying
a Bible. But have I felt their pain? No!
In America we have such a soft
and seemingly costless Christianity. It has become a polite and leisured time
religion. But oh God, let me never fail to pray for these dear warrior brethren
who have risked all to follow the Holy One of Israel.
I am not putting my persecuted brothers and sisters on a pedestal. For
they are only flesh and blood. I know they have their shortcomings and temptations
and moments when they, too, fail the Lord. But how I admire their courage and
faith. How privileged they’ve been to shed their blood for Jesus, to have
tasted the blows of angry fists, to have known the coldness of a cell or the fear of being discovered for having a prayer
meeting in the woods.
Our brethren are great examples. I believe they are more humble than us. Their trials have caused them to know the suffering Savior more intimately than we
in North America know Him right now.
They are blessed men, women and even children. And their rewards will
be great. “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’
sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven…” (Matthew 5:10-12).
I am not even worthy to stand in their shoes. For I have never, absolutely
never suffered as they have. They have fellowshipped in Jesus’ sufferings
and they will reign with Him (2 Timothy 2:12).
I have not suffered such. So I must at least pray for then that their
faith never fails, that they will be strengthened and encouraged, and will always triumph under such trials.
May America one day be so blessed
to know this kind of persecution, this fire, this honor. May we know Jesus the
way our persecuted brethren know Him.
David Berkowitz
